Reminiscence
by Erendyce
Summary: Allen is deadly wounded. While at his bedside, memories come back to Kanda about their relationship so far. Yullen.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer : Man is Hoshino Katsura's property

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**Prologue**

Blood. The sound of a body falling in the snow. Kanda rushed towards the person which was now lying on the crimson-tainted snow.

« Moyashi ! »

The mission both of them were sent on wasn't supposed to happen like that. There wasn't supposed to be so many level 3 Akumas, there wasn't supposed to be a level 4, and above all, Allen Walker wasn't supposed to take a mortal hit from the level 4 in order to protect Kanda. Now on the cleared battlefield, only two remaining silhouettes could be seen through the falling snow.

Kanda kneeled before Allen and delicately lifted his head, letting it rest on his forearm. The younger boy had trouble breathing and was coughing blood, staining his already red Exorcist coat.

« Oi, Moyashi ! Hang on in there ! It's ok, all the Akumas were annihilated, we're coming back to the Order to treat your wounds. »

« Bakanda… I'm in no shape… to go back anywhere… I think I… overdid it a bit this time… » Allen replied weakly.

« Just shut your trap. I'm taking you to the village's church. »

« Church ? Why… a church… »

« Because it's the place where Headquarters will open the Ark's gate, dumbass. I've already called Komui to tell him. »

« Oh… true… »

The Japanese Exorcist picked Allen up and hurried to the village which was fortunately not too far from where they were. On their way, Kanda could notice the little remaining color on Allen's cheeks starting to fade, the boy's breathing was becoming irregular and the makeshift bandage on his wounds was letting some blood escape. Of course, Kanda was also injured, but not as badly as Allen, and his curse was healing him.

« Don't you dare die on me, Moyashi. »

« It's Allen… you retard… »

They were approaching their destination, but Kanda wasn't so stupid as not to know that the Exorcist he was carrying in his arms would not be able to manage through it.

« Kanda… »

« I told you to shut up. We're almost there. »

« I won't make it. »

« Che. »

The black-haired Exorcist said nothing, focusing on reaching the church as quickly as possible. He wasn't going to tell the younger boy lies, he wasn't going to tell him that everything would be fine, because Kanda wasn't that kind of person. It was only a matter of minutes before Allen reached his limits. So Kanda took a decision.

« Moyashi. There's something I need to tell you. »

« Quite the talkative one today, huh… » Allen said in an almost inaudible voice.

« … »

« So… What is it… you want to tell me ? I'm not… gonna last long so… hurry up. » Allen coughed blood again.

Kanda was cursing himself mentally. What he wanted to tell the boy was something which was absolutely going against his nature, but given the fact that Allen was about to die, he put all his pride aside and said :

« I love you. »

For a moment, there was only silence and Kanda thought that it was already too late ; until he heard Allen's weak voice again :

« Haha… At least I'll die while knowing… that the great Kanda… can actually joke… »

Kanda looked at the pale figure in his arms, startled for a second by the answer, then realized that the irregular breathing had stopped and that the boy was as pale as snow. He unconsciously tightened his grip on the motionless body, and bit his lower lip.

« Idiot. That wasn't a joke. » he murmured.

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« Nii-san ! It's them ! Kanda and Allen-kun are back ! »

At the Headquarters, in the Ark's room, Lenalee along with her brother, Lavi and a medical team were waiting for the two Exorcists to return. As soon as Kanda crossed the gate, the Chinese girl went to greet him, then gasped as she noticed the body in his arms, and the blood dripping.

« Allen-kun ! Is he okay ? What happened ? Kanda ! Say something ! »

The Japanese Exorcist looked away, keeping silent but still holding Allen's body close to him.

« No way… You must be kidding us, Kanda. He was still alive when you called me. » Komui said, not wanting to believe the sight in front of him.

In the room there was now a huge silence as the people there were staring at the two Exorcists in disbelief. Then one of the doctors came to Kanda :

« Please hand us the corpse. »

As Kanda reluctantly did so, the medical team laid Allen's body on the ground. There was a real fuss around Kanda, but he didn't care about anything anymore. He was lost in his own thoughts, not even aware of Lenalee sobbing while her brother was trying to comfort her, or of Lavi shaking Allen's body and telling him to stop acting dead, when he heard :

« He's still alive. »

That snapped Kanda, and everyone else, from their current states.

« What did you say ? » Komui asked.

« We're taking him to the hospital wing. He's fallen into a coma, but he's alive. »

As everyone hurried out of the room to the hospital wing, only Kanda stood still.

Alive. That stupid Moyashi was still alive.

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Ok, prologue is done. Tell me what you think, please ?


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property

_Memories are in italics._

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**Chapter 1**

It was 5 a.m., and everything was quiet in Allen's room at the hospital wing. Only one person was sitting at the bed's edge, silently watching the sleeping figure with his dark blue eyes. It had been a week since Kanda came and visited the boy every morning at the same hour. He'd rather come at that time because no one else was usually awoken so early in the morning, so he could quietly watch over Allen at leisure before leaving to train.

The young Exorcist's state was stable, but the doctors had no idea as for when he would wake up, or even if he would. Or so the nurse had told Kanda. It was bullshit for the Japanese man. There was no way the Moyashi wasn't going to wake up ; sooner or later, he would be standing again in front of Kanda and would be annoying him as usual, as he always did.

Allen was the one person everyone within the Order believed in, no matter what the circumstances, and this time wasn't going to be an exception. Kanda was sometimes surprising himself, for he would never have guessed that he, of all people, would eventually bring himself to believe in the 'Allen-phenomenon'.

Kanda hold out his hand to Allen's face and delicately traced the pentacle on the boy's forehead, following the red line over the closed eyelid. A faint smile crossed his lips as he remembered that it was that same pentacle that had made the Gatekeeper mistake Allen for an Akuma.

At that time, if someone had told Kanda that the new Exorcist would have such impact on him, he would have plainly called it nonsense…

_« Akuma ! It's an Akuma ! » the Gapekeeper shouted._

_Immediately, Kanda rushed out of the building to get rid of the said Akuma, even before Komui had ordered anything. It was a habit for the Exorcist : Akumas were to be erased wherever they would appear, and without hesitation. His life was framed on that guideline, and there was nothing else to add._

_Kanda unsheathed his sword, ready to slice the intruder as he jumped out of the entrance gate. For a second, he felt that there was something strange since the usual shape of an Akuma was nowhere to be seen, only a small human figure standing in front of the Order. But the Gatekeeper had identified that figure as an Akuma and that's all Kanda needed to know._

_« You've got a lot of guts coming here alone. »_

_« Wait, wait ! There's a mistake somew… »_

_Kanda didn't wait for him to finish his sentence and charged at full speed. And that's when he knew there really was something wrong with the presumed Akuma. His sword sliced through something he identified as a huge, weird hand. No, wait. That was definitely not what you could call a 'hand'. It was a vaguely hand-shaped thing which was actually part of the boy's body._

_« You… What's with that arm ? » Kanda coldly asked._

_« This is my anti-Akuma weapon. I'm an Exorcist. »_

_The older man was taken aback._

_« Gatekeeper ! »_

_Kanda swore mentally. That stupid Gatekeeper could not even do his job correctly ! Anyway, he did not pay much attention to the Gatekeeper's excuses, nor to the boy in front of him trying to convince the Gate that he was human. Pathetic. Moreoever, the boy was cursed. A good reason enough to get rid of him._

_« Well, whatever. If I see your insides, we'll know. I'll cut you open with Mugen. »_

_And with no further warning, he plunged his blade towards the panicked boy._

_« No, wait ! There should have been a letter from my master Cross Marian ! »_

_That sentence stopped Kanda dead, his blade only an inch from the boy's face._

Allen and Kanda's first encounter had been that stormy right at the beginning. As he reviewed the scene in his head, the Japanese Exorcist could not help but think that if he hadn't stopped his hand at that moment, it would have been the worst mistake of his whole existence. Speaking of hand…

_Both of them, and Lenalee who had come to pick them up, had come inside the Headquarters. Kanda was already leaving them to go back to his room, when the annoying voice of the boy got to him :_

_« Kanda ! It's your name, right ? »_

_The said Kanda barely turned his head and glared at the white-haired boy with what he hoped to be the most murderous glare in the world. But it seemed that it didn't dissuade the boy to smile at him and hold out his hand :_

_« Pleased to meet you. »_

_Kanda wondered for a second if that guy was so stupid he couldn't see that he was totally annoying him._

_« Like hell I'd shake hands with a cursed person. » he icily replied._

Irony amongst all ironies, Kanda was now holding the same hand he had refused to touch in both of his. The warmth coming from that hand was the only sign that Allen was still alive, along with that steady movement of his chest, indicating that he was still breathing.

Kanda looked at the watch on the wall. It was almost 6 a.m. He slowly let go of Allen's hand and stood up.

« You'd better hurry up and wake up, stupid Moyashi. » he said as he crossed the door.

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There we are for the first chapter. Thank you all for your reviews. Wish the story will be up to your expectations !


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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**Chapter 2**

Kanda was watching the snow falling outside through the window. It was late November now, and two weeks since he had crossed the Ark's gate with Allen's limp and bloody body in his arms. The white flakes were flying in the breeze, just like two weeks ago, and Kanda couldn't help but seeing that scene over and over again.

_In the midst of all the whiteness, red liquid spurted out of Allen's body as he slowly fell into the snow. As Kanda rushed to him, the boy was lying in the middle of a crimson iced pool of blood._

White. The colour of snow was the symbol of purity, yet to Kanda, it reminded him of Allen. White and silver. Those two colours were the ones which represented the young Exorcist the best. White for the innocence the boy incarnated, silver for the nobleness of his heart. Gold was also a noble colour, but it didn't match Allen at all, for gold was too dazzling and blinding, while Allen was soft like the pale light of a silver moon on a clear night.

Kanda gently took a curl of silver hair between his fingers, toying with it. The whiteness of the boy's skin could almost match that of snow. It was funny how snow could remind Kanda of some memories.

_A huge snow-covered room, by night, yet with a rainbow which seemed to have been painted on the sky. In front of them was standing a Noah._

_« I'll take him on. That guy's been after my general. » Kanda said._

_« I'm staying too, Kanda ! Everyone, please go to the next door and move on, we will follow… » Of course that stupid moyashi had to volunteer. Was he that eager to die ?_

_« Being stuck with you ? You must be kidding me. »_

_« Kan… »_

_The Japanese man pointed his sword at Allen._

_« I said I'll take him on. »_

_And his sword was an excellent means to make his point clear to the other Exorcists._

_« Kaichuu Ichigen ! »_

_He was attacking his own fellows, and so what ? They should have know better than anyone that Kanda wasn't the kind to accept help from someone else. Especially from that moyashi._

_« Kanda, you idiot ! »_

_« You're a demon ! »_

_« Who cares ? We'll just leave him behind ! »_

_Kanda sighed. A bunch of morons. He didn't need them, so they could get lost right away for all he cared. He heard them fulminating against him, saying he was self-centered and whatnot. Kanda couldn't care less, though he felt a little disappointed that Allen hadn't insisted more on staying with him. 'Yeah right. I'm actually gonna miss the moyashi's presence. Like hell.'_

« You really are an idiot one. Was it out of pure stupidity that you offered to stay along with me ? Or was it concern ?… Che, like you could feel some concern for someone like me. » Kanda was quietly talking to the sleeping boy.

_« Kanda, if you don't come afterwards, I'll kick your ass ! »_

« Maybe that was your way of telling me you were actually concerned ? Anyway, you're the kind of person who cares about everyone, even about Akumas… »

_Kanda was having trouble walking to the exit door, as each step required a load of effort from him. But he didn't want to have his ass kicked. And certainly not by the moyashi. 'Che, thinking of that idiot at this time.' His whole body was getting numb because of the snow and his battle against that Noah had exhausted him, but at least, it was his victory. Or so he thought._

_A powerful surge of energy behind him made him freeze on the spot. No way ! That Noah couldn't be alive ! Yet he was, and he was ready to fire at Kanda at full power. And the worse was that he couldn't avoid the blow, for it would destroy the exit door behind him._

'_Che. I suppose you'll have to wait for me a bit longer, Moyashi.'_

Thinking back, Kanda realized that he had never thought of someone else during a battle. He wasn't supposed to be distracted by such thoughts ; however, at that time, images of Allen kept coming back to his mind.

« You've changed me quite a lot, stupid Moyashi. »

Indeed, Allen's arrival had put quite a mess in Kanda's perfectly ordered life. Actually, it had put a mess in the whole Order's life, but then, it was because Allen was that exceptional that Kanda had started to feel something for him.

_That time, it really was the end. At the cost of his Mugen, he finally managed to beat Skin Bolic, but it was too late to escape to the next room. Everything was collapsing around him, and he didn't have enough strength to move anyway. He looked at his smashed Innocence :_

_« Damn. Komui's gonna be mad. »_

_Not that it was going to matter anyway. And also… a certain moyashi would not have the pleasure to kick his ass._

_« Moyashi… »_

_The room's download was complete._

Kanda sighed. The moyashi certainly was affecting him a lot for him to think of the younger Exorcist until the end. At that time, he thought he was done for. But then, as always, Allen had managed to produce a miracle.

_As he slowly opened his eyes, he wondered how the hell could he still be alive. But that didn't matter. The exit door was right in front of him. Gathering all his remaining forces, he stood up and walked to it. 'I'm coming, you damn moyashi.'_

_He picked Krory up as he crossed the next room, then headed to the following one. As he got close to the door, he heard :_

_« … chopped-haired Yuu ! »_

_It was definitely that red-haired bastard. Kanda kicked the door open :_

_« I'll take that as a challenge, rabbit. »_

_« Yuu ! Do you know where we are ? »_

_« Che. »_

_« Hey, Beansprout, come out ! »_

_« Who's a bean, stupid Lavi ! »_

_That voice. It was…_

_« Wow, Allen ! Where are you ? »_

_« Moyashi's voice coming from the sky ? »_

_« The name's Allen, Bakanda ! I won't forgive you next time. »_

_Though Allen had said he wouldn't forgive him, it had been said with such a gentle voice that Kanda couldn't help but smile, relieved._

Kanda was still playing with the curl of hair. Then, judging it was time to leave, he got up :

« Moyashi, if you don't wake up soon, I'll kick your ass. »

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Chapter 2 is done. I'm trying to keep Kanda as IC as possible with this story. Is that fine enough ?


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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**Chapter 3**

There he was again, sitting at the bed's edge, contemplating the same face as every morning. Allen would not wake up. That was making Lenalee as sad as ever, Lavi less cheerful than usual and Komui was keeping silent most of the day ; not to mention the other Exorcists in the Order. It seemed that Allen's current state had crushed the whole Order's spirits. Every day, you could be sure there was at least a dozen of people asking the doctors about Allen's condition.

Kanda sighed. All those people were stupid. One Exorcist down didn't mean that the whole Order was finished ; the Millenium Earl was still waiting to be defeated and he really didn't care about waiting for Allen Walker to wake up. That's why Kanda kept training as usual, that's why he never allowed himself to lost sight of his main goal : to defeat the Earl. Having a moyashi confined to bed was not an excuse to stop fighting Akumas ; unfortunately, it seemed that Kanda was the only one to think like that. He would have to talk to Komui into sending Exorcists on missions again, or everyone would end up lethargic.

« You're a total idiot for putting everyone in such low spirits. »

Kanda cupped Allen's cheek with one hand, and ran his thumb over the boy's soft lips. Seeing that angelic face, no one could have guessed the life of hardship that boy of barely 15 years old had to endure. He was that young, yet had faced much more than what most full grown men could have boasted about. Being an Exorcist necesserarily meant suffering.

« You learnt it the hard way right at your first mission, didn't you ?… »

_« I'll say this before we start. Even if you are about to be killed by the ennemy, if I judge that you are interfering with the mission's success, I'll let you die there. In a war, sacrifices are commonplace so don't start having ideas about companionship. » Kanda stated bluntly._

_« I don't like that way of thinking. »_

_Kanda didn't care about his liking or not liking, the moyashi was warned._

_Barely a few seconds later, Allen had already engaged battle with the Akuma._

'_That idiot. Not even thinking before jumping in. I'll just let him die, to teach him.'_

« You know, Moyashi, at that time I was ready to forget your name since I was certain of your death. Seems like you managed pretty well until now. »

_Only ten minutes had passed and that stupid kid was already injured._

_« I'm not gonna save you. You acted on your emotions. Since you're at fault, you settle this alone. »_

_Kanda despised that kind of person. Always thinking that acting based on emotions was a noble thing to do, and that it would bring victory because the cause they were defending was right. Bullshit. Only novices could be that naive. Emotions in the middle of a battle meant nothing but hindrance and that's why Kanda was more than ready to let the new Exorcist die on the spot._

_« It's all right. Leave me behind. I'll destroy this Akuma before I go. »_

_Leave you behind, huh ? Well, of course he would. Kanda glanced one last time at Allen before leaving to search for the Innocence. 'Like you could kill a level 2, idiot. You're gonna die right there. Not that I care anyway.'_

Now there certainly was a huge gap between what Kanda had thought back then and what he was now feeling for the younger Exorcist. He sometimes still had difficulties to admit such changes within his own person, though he'd never show it to anyone on the outside, matter of pride. For everyone, Kanda was for sure the cold bastard whose favorite hobby was to threaten people with his sword, particularly a certain Bookman Jr.

Emotions. At first, that was Kanda's main reason to scorn Allen. The mission about Martel's ghost was perfect evidence of the two Exorcists' antagonism.

_Kanda slowly woke up, wincing as the pain ran through his body. He was lying on the stone floor, yet his head rested on something which was not stone. An Exorcist coat. The moyashi's coat. 'That idiot brought me here instead of leaving me over there ? In his condition ? Now he's a complete brainless kid, that's for sure.'_

_« … give it to you willingly, but please, wait for Guzuru to die first and let me stay by his side until the end. »_

_Kanda turned his head to the side and watched Allen who was going to accept for certain._

_« No. » His cold voice had surprised the younger Exorcist a bit. Kanda cut him before he could speak :_

_« You're telling us to wait until this old man dies ? This is no situation to listen to such a request. »_

_Then, addressing Allen :_

_« Take that doll's heart immediately. »_

_Allen wasn't moving nor saying anything, but Kanda could clearly see refusal in his eyes._

_« No. I won't take it. »_

_Kanda was boiling inside. That damn moyashi was becoming a real pain ! Out of anger, he threw the Exorcist coat at Allen's face._

_« That coat isn't a thing you use as a pillow for the wounded ! It's a thing worn by an Exorcist ! » he harshly spat out. Putting his own coat on, he got up and walked past the other Exorcist who was still standing there, motionless._

_« It's because sacrifices are made that some things can be saved, newbie. »_

_Silence followed that last sentence, as Kanda prepared to extract the Innocence from the doll._

_« Fine. Then I shall be become the sacrifice for these two. »_

As Kanda was recollecting that scene, he felt a sudden urge to punch the boy lying in the bed. A sacrifice, yeah. Did he think he was some sort of sacrificial lamb which could be put on the altar for the world's sake ? He, alone ? Like hell. It was that habit of always wanting to carry all the suffering on him that made Kanda mad. Yet it was that character trait that had also made the Japanese man progressively fall for him. And it had started right at the first mission.

_Kanda observed as Allen was fighting against the Akuma with his cannon-like arm. He thought the outcome would come soon, but a sudden turn of event made him grasp Mugen immediately. Allen's Innocence had desactivated and the Akuma was now really close to deal a fatal blow to the boy._

_Even before his own mind thought of doing something, Kanda's legs had reacted and in less than a second, he found himself blocking the attack with his sword. 'What the fuck am I doing ? It's not like I wanted to protect that stupid Moyashi, for heaven's sake !' Yet there he was, standing in front of Allen blocking the attack, though his own wound was hurting him like hell._

_«Didn't you say you'd be the one to protect them ? I really hate people like you who are going all soft and all, but what I hate even more are people who can't keep up to their word ! »_

_Allen laughed weakly :_

_« Ha… ha… So whichever I am, you're going to hate me anyway, aren't you… »_

« You were right at that time, Beansprout. I hated you, and I still do. Really, you're such a pain you make me sick. » Kanda said while running his fingers in the soft silver hair.

_The mission was done, Kanda was healed, but Allen still hadn't returned yet. Kanda had received a new mission and had orders to give to the moyashi, so he went back to the place where Allen still was. He found the boy sitting on the stairs, his head burried in his arms._

_Though he didn't know why, but seeing him in that depressed state made Kanda want to do something._

_« If it's painful, just stop the doll. That thing is probably not 'Lala' anymore anyway. »_

_« But it's their promise… »_

_« … You're really soft, you know. We are destroyers, not saviors. »_

_« But I… »_

_The song had stopped. Allen ran into the building. Kanda followed a bit after, only to find the other one crying while holding the broken doll. And that affected Kanda, though not much, but still. 'Stupid Moyashi.'_

_« Oi, what's wrong ? »_

_« Kanda… I want to become a destroyer who can save anybody. »_

« Who can save anybody, my ass. Who are you going to save in your current state ? Just wake up already and keep your word. I told you I hate people who don't keep their word. »

Thinking back, Kanda realized that at that time, something had definitely changed between them. Allen was different from all the Exorcists Kanda had met, the kind of person whose name he could not afford to forget.

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I'd like to thank you all for the reviews which made my day.


	5. Chapter 4

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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**Chapter 4**

Kanda watched through the train's window as the landscape rolled past endlessly. Finally, a mission. Right after he had talked to Komui about the apathy that had struck the Order, the supervisor had decided to react and sent Lavi and Kanda on an Akuma extermination mission. Finders had reported Akuma swarming in the neighbourhood of a city in the south of Scotland, and Komui had judged it to be a good opportunity to resume the Black Order's activities.

So there he was, sitting with Lavi in an empty train compartment. It seemed that the Ark wasn't functionning properly while Allen was unconscious, so they had to use regular transport. Oddly enough, the apprentice Bookman wasn't very talkative, which actually did Kanda no harm at all.

« Say, Yuu-chan… »

« It's Kanda, rabbit. »

« When do you think Allen will emerge from coma ? »

« Beats me. »

« Do you even care a bit about his state ? »

« Che. »

Lavi sighed heavily and said no more. For his part, Kanda wasn't really keen on telling the red-haired Exorcist about his feelings for Allen, so he simply crossed both his legs and arms and closed his eyes. Of course he cared. On that morning, he had paid Allen a quick visit before leaving to the train station, telling him that he'd be back very soon and that his condition had better not deteriorate while he was away. As Kanda was deep in thought, he didn't realize time passing by, until Lavi had to squeeze his arm :

« C'mon, we're here. »

According to the Finders' report, the Akumas were sighted at the outskirts of a small remote town, so both Exorcists and the Finder who was accompanying them had to walk a bit to their destination.

« Lavi, watch out ! There are more coming your way ! »

« 'the fuck ! Where are they all appearing from ! Where's the Finder ? »

« Dead. Damn this, the report didn't mention so many Akumas ! »

It was like déjà vu for Kanda, except that it wasn't snowing this time. Level 3 Akumas kept popping out of nowhere as both Exorcists were destroying them. The only thing that was missing was a level 4, not that Kanda really wished for it. The whole scene was a total mess of fire, smoke and scraps of Akumas. Kanda was cutting, slicing everywhere but it seemed to have no end to the battle. Lavi had some trouble dealing with the flow of Akumas, but both Exorcists were holding out well.

While fighting, Kanda didn't notice the Akuma coming from behind him.

« Yuu-chan ! Behind you ! » Lavi screamed as he rushed to Kanda.

The Japanese man barely turned his head, to see Lavi jumping in between the Akuma and him, ready to take the blow.

_« Kanda ! » Allen screamed as he took the attack which was originally meant to hit Kanda. The latter watched in horror as blood spurted from the boy's body._

'Not again. Hell no, not again !' Kanda thought.

A sudden urge of anger rose within him, which gave him some sort of new invisible strength that made him react as quickly as lightning. In less than a second, he had turned the Akuma into nothingness, and destroyed most Akumas around him. Lavi was simply stunned.

« Wow… Yuu… I didn't think you could be any scarier than what you usually are… What's gotten into you ? You looked like an infuriated demon ! »

Kanda didn't reply, but inside him, he knew that he had been blinded by his feelings for a couple of seconds. That almost made him want to laugh at himself. Not so long ago, he utterly rejected that way of acting, and now he had just been doing it, to protect somebody else. 'It's the moyashi whom I should have protected back then.'

« There are still more. Let's finish the job and talk later. »

« Sure. »

A few minutes later, both Exorcists were breathing heavily, injured and exhausted, but alive. The job was done.

« Oi. We should tell Komui the cleaning is done and get back to the Headquarters. »

As soon as Kanda was done reporting to Komui (since Lavi was being treated), he headed for his room and litterally collapsed on his bed. He wanted to sleep but couldn't, for many flashbacks were coming to his mind.

_« Hopefully we complete this mission soon, so we can go back to our home, it's freezing cold here. » Allen said._

_« Che. Just concentrate on your mission and try not to act stupidly and we may have a chance to come back early. »_

_« Bakanda ! Stop being so mean. »_

…

_« They keep coming ! Kanda, there are Akumas everywhere ! »_

_« I know, dumbass ! Just shup up and focus on your work ! »_

_Kanda was busy cleaning his spot, and didn't really worry about the moyashi, that brat would manage well anyway. But what he hadn't really expect was to be the careless one. He hadn't seen the Akuma coming from behind him, and he barely had time to turn round that Allen was already between the Akuma and him._

_« Kanda ! »_

The Japanese Exorcist punched the wall. He was angry towards himself, because of his weaknesses that had made someone else hurt. And above all, that someone had to be Allen Walker. He was unforgivable for being careless, and he blamed himself for letting the one dearest to him pay the price of his carelessness. Worse, the same thing almost happened again today.

It was past midnight now, and Kanda still couldn't sleep. Upset, he got up, put his coat on and headed to the infirmary room he had been going to every morning for more than a month now. The nurses and doctors were already sleeping so he was alone in the small and quiet room.

He kneeled next to Allen's bed and gently caressed his smooth face, wishing that these closed eyes would open to reveal the two grey orbs Kanda had fallen for.

« Baka Moyashi. I did tell you not to act stupidly, didnt' I ? Why can't you just listen to what people say sometimes ? »

Kanda sighed as he let his head rest on the bed, next to Allen.

Later on, if someone had entered the same room, they would have seen an uncommon scene : Kanda sleeping peacefully, kneeled on the floor, his head lying next to Allen's, and their hands holding, fingers intertwined.

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Ok, I suppose that you're all disappointed that Allen still hasn't woken up. It's just that I'd like to enhance Kanda's own impatience by letting you wait a bit more. Don't worry, I don't plan to make it last forever, only a few more chapters, so please bear with it. And thank you again for those who still read this story.  
And I'll try to update as quickly as possible, so you won't get too bored !


	6. Chapter 5

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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**Chapter 5**

How many times had you been taken to the hospital wing ? Surely quite a bunch of times, but normally it would have taken you one week at most to recover completely.

Kanda counted the days. 43 days. The moyashi was stuck in that bed for 43 fucking days, and though his condition hadn't worsen, it hadn't improved either. Sometimes, Kanda only wanted to kick the boy to wake him up ; he never had much patience, and waiting for more than a month required much of it from him.

On that early morning, as usual, he was by Allen's side silently watching over him. Never before had Kanda spent so much time for someone else ; before Allen's arrival, he never gave a damn about others. But Kanda's behaviour radically changed after their first mission together, to the point that he had even asked Lavi about Allen's condition after his mission with Lenalee in the rewinding town. Not directly of course, because he didn't want to look like he actually cared about Allen. At that time, he was even sure that it wasn't concern that he was feeling, just some kind of curiosity to see how the moyashi had managed his second mission.

_« Hey Yuu-chan, Lenalee and the new Exorcist are back from their mission ! » Lavi said cheerfully._

_« It's Kanda, stupid rabbit. »_

_« Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, I paid them a short visit and they seemed to be seriously injured, you know. »_

_« The moyashi is ? »_

_« Moyashi ? Is that how you call the newbie ? Wow Yuu, you're improving ! I've never heard you giving such a cute nick to anyone ! »_

_« Che, just shut up. »_

_« Ooooh, so you don't wanna know what happened to your beansprout ? No big deal, I'll tell you anyway. Panda told me both Lenalee and the newbie were brought here unconscious, and the boy had his left eye gouged out. »_

_« He what ! »_

_Kanda looked more surprised than what he actually had wanted to show. Lavi gave him a suspicious look._

_« Hm ? Yuu-chan, you're being abnormally reactive to what I'm telling you, you know ? I'm curious about what that boy has that is so special. »_

_« Just stop your fucking nonsense. The moyashi is a annoying brat who should never have become an Exorcist. »_

_« Yeah, yeah whatever you say. » the red-haired Exorcist replied, obviously not believing Kanda at all._

_Silence followed his words. Kanda raised his head as the rabbit had stopped talking, to see the red-haired man looking at him, with a strange smile on his face._

_« What's with that stupid face ? »_

_« You're not gonna ask me the details about their mission ? »_

_« Why would I care about that ? »_

_« Aww, c'mon Yuu ! It's obvious you've gotten interested in the bean ! »_

_In less than half a second, Mugen's blade was on Lavi's throat, ready to draw blood. An evil aura was surrounding Kanda and Lavi was certain he could see murder carved in the Japanese's eyes._

_« J-Just kidding Y-Yuu-chan ! » Lavi said, sweating a bit._

_Kanda just che-d and sat back on his chair, crossing his arms._

_« Anyway, I suppose you wanna know the story right ? I'll take your silence as a 'yes'. So, Panda told me briefly about their mission in that town they were sent to. It seems the Innocence there kept the time blocked at the same day, a rewinding town you see. The old geezer didn't tell me much, but from what I learnt, Lenalee and the bean faced some kind of powerful ennemy which wasn't an Akuma. They've taken serious injuries back there, the worst being that left eye I suppose ; though it looks like the bean's Innocence got bashed pretty badly too. Poor boy, so young and already one-eyed. » Lavi sighed tragically._

_« Che, speak for yourself. »_

_« Yuu ! You're being mean again ! Can't you even feel a bit of sympathy for them ? »_

« Reckless and brainless. That's what you are, Moyashi. And see what good it does to you. You're pathetic, lying here while everyone is worrying stiff about you. »

Kanda had eventually admitted that what he had felt when Lavi had reported Allen's mission was actually concern, and it sometimes made him upset that one person could affect him so much.

_The Japanese Exorcist was having an inner battle between him and himself as to decide whether he would go and visit the moyashi in the infirmary or no. 'Shit, it's not like I care about him.' 'But I'm just curious to know how exactly did he manage to put himself in such bad state.' 'Who cares about that anyway ?'_

_But unconsciously, as he was still debating with himself, his steps took him in front of Allen's room. Kanda stopped dead, and stood there for a whole minute before deciding that he might as well take some news now that he was there. So he knocked on the door, waiting for a reply. There was none. That didn't prevent Kanda from going in anyway, and he understood that the lack of answer came from the fact that Allen was deeply asleep._

_The boy was bandaged up, with a huge one on his left eye. At first glance, Kanda deduced that the moyashi sure had got a hard time during the mission. 'Incompetent fool.' He thought. Well, there was no point in staying there any longer if the stupid brat was sleeping._

_Lavi was leaning against the wall, waiting for him as he got out of the room. A smirk crossed the apprentice Bookman's face :_

_« Caught you red-handed, huh ? It's the first time I actually see you paying someone a visit. »_

_« Tell this to anyone and it will be your last words. »_

_« I got it, I got it. But man, now this boy intrigued more than ever. What did he do to you ? »_

_« Che. »_

_Kanda walked away without adding another word, irritated enough that the rabbit had surprised him visiting Allen._

« What would he say now if he knew that I'm coming to you every day, I wonder ? Probably that I got too soft or something like that. Not that I'd let him though. »

Kanda watched Allen's sleeping face, running his hand in the silver hair which framed the boy's young features. He glanced at the clock.

« Che. I'm late for training again. Blame yourself for that, stupid Moyashi. »

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Thank you all for your reviews. I didn't think you'd like this story so much !  
Sora pwns : you asked me why I use « instead of ". It's simply because my Word software types the quotation marks like that, so when I upload it, that's the result. In France we write them like that. It's not a double as you can see.  
Anyway, if this bothers some of you because you're not used to it, please tell me and I'll change them directly on the site.


	7. Chapter 6

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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**Chapter 6**

5 a.m.

Kanda was standing in front of Allen's room, motionless. Though he hadn't opened the door, he could hear inside, nurses and a doctor who was giving out orders. Kanda didn't understand most of them, but what was certain was that something had happened to Allen, given the worried tones on the medical staff's voices.

The Japanese man did not dare open the door, so as not to disturb them, but he was boiling with anxiety. He waited there for five minutes, then ten, then fifteen, then half an hour, waiting for the voices to quiet. When they did, he was about to open the door, when a nurse turned the handle before, going out. She stopped as she saw Kanda, and barely told him :

« You may enter if you want. »

But he stood there for a moment longer, looking at the exhausted doctor who was sitting next to the bed, then at his moyashi for a few minutes. Then :

« What happened ? » Kanda asked more roughly than what he should have, as he went in.

The doctor looked at him, surprised at first for he hadn't noticed Kanda's presence, then sighed deeply.

« We've almost lost him. His condition has stabilized now, though. » he quickly added seeing the face Kanda was drawing. « But it's worse than before. I fear we may not be able to keep him for long if this goes on. »

« Isn't there anything you can do ? You're a doctor, damn it ! You can't simply let him die like that ! » Anger rose within Kanda. It was their job to keep people alive, for heaven's sake ! How much did they think Exorcists were struggling to remain alive ? And then, in less than thirty minutes, that so-called doctor was already ready to give up ?

« Please, try to understand we've done our best. I didn't say Sir Walker was doomed ; there's still a chance he can manage, but it will be hard. »

As Kanda was about to snap back, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned round, to see Komui along with the nurse who had gone to call for him.

« Kanda, please calm down. I know it's hard on everyone here, but there's nothing more we can do. Now the rest is up to Allen. » he said with a sad tone.

The Japanese man gritted his teeth and got out of the room hastily, infuriated. He headed for the outside training grounds, as he needed some fresh air to cool his head down. There in the middle of the light breeze, he sat cross-legged, closed his eyes and tried to empty his mind. He stayed there for about two hours then decided that he was calm enough to go back inside the building without feeling the urge to kill everyone on sight.

In front of his room was standing a certain red-haired Exorcist who was obviously waiting for him.

« Hey, Yuu. »

« What are you doing here ? »

« Just figured that you'd like to talk, that's all. »

« Che, about what ? »

Lavi sighed and directed his most serious look at Kanda :

« Stop playing that game. I'm clever enough to know that you're worried sick about the beansprout, don't deny it. And talking a bit wouldn't harm you, you know. »

Kanda didn't argue back, remaining silent for a couple of seconds before opening the door of his room and going in. As he had let it open, Lavi considered it as an invitation to get in as well, and so he did.

The room was pretty dark for the curtains were drawn, but there was enough light for Lavi not to stumble anywhere – it wasn't the first time Lavi was coming to Kanda's room anyway –. He glanced at the big hourglass which contained the lotus flower.

« Don't stand there stupidly, just sit. »

Both of them took seat on Kanda's bed then kept silent for a moment. Since Lavi knew that Kanda would never start a conversation, he eventually spoke :

« He's strong. He'll make it for sure, as he always did before. »

« … »

« There are some things you don't know about him, about what he suffered since he joined the Order. For instance, I bet you don't know that he's missing a whole part of his heart. »

« Excuse me ? » Kanda asked incredulously.

« Yeah, that happened while we were in China. That Noah, Tyki Mikk, he almost killed Allen back then. Timcampy showed us everything, how he beat Allen to the ground, how he smashed his Innocence, and how he plunged his arm through Allen's chest right at his heart. At that time, Lenalee and I thought he was dead, you know. And… »

« He never told me about that » Kanda cut abruptly.

Lavi forced a small laugh. « Well of course not, seeing how you get along so well. He hadn't even told us. We learnt it from that Mikk guy. »

« So you're telling me that he's got a hole in his heart ? »

« Actually, no. It seemed a small fragment of his Innocence replaced the missing part. »

Now Kanda was really intrigued.

« Does it have anything to do with the fact that he's a parasitic-type ? »

« Dunno. In all history, not a single Bookman has reported anything similar to what occured. I mean, Innocence saving its Exorcist. It's happened to Lenalee too, remember ? When she got shut in the huge crystal thing. So we don't really know. Anyway, just to tell you that even with a part of his heart missing, he's still alive, so it's not a shitty little coma which is gonna stop him from living. See, even after he lost his Innocence, he's managed to get it back in a much stronger shape. I dunno about parasitic-type much, but I bet losing your Innocence must not be something very pleasurable. »

Kanda was slowly trying to assimilate what Lavi had just told him. He still couldn't believe Allen had endured such serious damage, and above all, had managed to remain alive. There had to be some limits to how much that moyashi could endure !

« Moyashi no baka ! » he muttered. That made Lavi smile.

« How much are you concerned for him ? » he asked.

The Japanese man only replied after a minute of silence.

« Concerned enough to slice him up if he doesn't wake up soon. »

« In your language that means a lot, huh ? »

Again Kanda didn't reply. An awkward silence followed. Then Lavi resumed :

« And how about that time when the level 4 almost turn the Headquarters to dust ? Komui told me that Allen had sustained so much damage on his body that he wasn't supposed to be able to lift even a finger. And guess what ? During all the time he was unconscious, it was his own Innocence that took control of his body and made him fight against the Akuma. »

« How come you know so much ? »

« Heh, well I am a Bookman afterall. It's my job to record everything and to know everything, so don't be jealous, my dear Yuu-chan. So you see, even with his whole body knocked out, he can still stand and face anything. And he's got us to back him up, right ? »

Once again, Kanda lost himself in his thoughts.

_The level 4 shot an amazingly powerful blast in Allen's direction. The Exorcist rose his weapon, and with a scream of fury, blocked the attack with the huge sword. But it wasn't enough. Allen was losing ground, he wasn't going to hold out any longer alone._

_Then two hands suddendly appeared behind him and grabbed the handle._

_« Hang in there… » Kanda said as he was also holding to Allen's waist for support._

_« You're all we have right now ! » Lavi added._

_The only thought that crossed Kanda's mind at that moment was that he was going to support Allen until the end, no matter what, for Lavi was right : he was all they had. He was all Kanda had._

_The three of them would manage somehow._

« Yeah, he's got us to back him up. » Kanda finally said. Lavi grinned. Everything would be fine.

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Again, thanks to everyone who reads this story and to those who review. The story's almost done so you won't have to wait too much now.


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

**Chapter 7**

« Yuu-chan. Hey, wake up, Yuu ! »

Kanda slowly opened his eyes. His limbs were feeling numb as he tried to stretch them carefully. Next to him, Lavi was squeezing him awake. Wait. Lavi was doing what ? The Japanese man opened his eyes completely, to find himself in the infirmary room, sitting on a chair next to Allen's bed. Lavi smiled softly :

« C'mon, get up before anyone else see you like this. »

« What time is it, rabbit ? »

« It's past 7 a.m. Did you sleep here ? »

Damn it. Kanda had overslept too much. He silently cursed himself as he stood up and straightened his coat.

« So, did you ? »

« None of your business. »

« Aaaw c'mon, it was so cute seeing you sleep like that, your hand and Allen's holding and all ! I couldn't bring myself to wake you up. » Lavi said teasingly.

At lightning speed, Kanda had unsheathed his sword and pointed it at Lavi's neck, looking as furious as ever.

« Just how fucking long have you been here ? » Kanda asked threateningly.

« A-Ah only for a couple of minutes, don't worry, don't worry… »

« Say one word of this to anyone, I swear I'll slice you to so tiny bits that no one will be able to piece your parts together again. »

« Sure, sure. » Lavi replied, not even caring a single bit. « This said, how about going for breakfast ? Unless you want to keep your beansprout company a bit more ? »

« Che. »

Kanda put his sword back in the scabbard and followed Lavi out of the infirmary after glancing at Allen once more.

At the cafeteria, the atmosphere reflected the dark mood Kanda was in. Though there was still the usual background noise, it was apparent that most of the people there weren't in very high spirits. The two Exorcists sat at an empty table after ordering their meals.

« Panda told me that the higher-ups intend to send the Generals out to search for more compatible users. Except General Cross since his whereabouts are unknown, as usual. They've started to think that Allen won't be of use anymore because they don't believe he'll wake up. »

Kanda put his chopsticks down on the table a little bit too abruptly, startling a few people around.

« Bullshit. Higher-ups, my ass. They can go to hell for all I care. »

« You know how they are. Just a simple look at that Leverrier guy is enough to tell you about them. They don't care about whether you put all your soul and body into battle, if you're useless then you don't exist anymore for them… And there's that slight problem, you know, about the 14th. » Lavi added with a lower tone.

The 14th… Kanda remembered that day perfectly.

_« We have evidence that Allen Walker is the host of the 14th's memories. However, no one knows about this except Central, the Order staff and the Exorcists. Walker will keep his duties as an Exorcist for now, since we need his talent as a player. It has been decided that the Order will keep this Noah for the time being. »_

_From the outside, Kanda was displaying his usual grumpy face and one could have thought he didn't give a damn about that story at all. However, inside the Japanese man's head was a total mess. What was that crap about Allen being a Noah ? It was pissing Kanda off to no end. That damn moyashi kept getting into multiple troubles, but that one was the worst. Having a Noah inside meant that Central could order Allen's disposal at any time. At that state, there was no point in denying that Kanda was more than concerned for the silver-haired boy._

_« As the Commander of the Black Order, I will now assign the Exorcists a standing order. Should Allen Walker awake as the 14th and become a threat for the Order… » Komui paused._

_« Should that happen, please kill me. »_

_Baka Moyashi ! Why did you have to say that ? Do you think it's funny to say it so casually ? Now Kanda was boiling with anger, barely able to suppress the shaking of his body, but no one seemed to notice._

_« But that won't happen. If the 14th was to attack the Order, I'd stop him. »_

_Speaking nonsense again. Did he think he was almighty or what ? Yet as that thought crossed Kanda's mind, another one came at the same time. 'I'll support you. Whoever you may be, piano player, Noah or Exorcist, I'll be there to make sure you don't break down.' But would he be only able to do it ? Knowing the moyashi, he'd rather suffer alone than involve anybody else to settle his own problems. It made Kanda mad._

_A week later, they were sent on a mission along with Miranda and the two-spot watchdog to retrieve an Innocence in a graveyard. Kanda hadn't adressed Allen even once during all that time. Was he sulking ? Maybe. Was it childish ? Certainly. But Kanda was so irritated against the younger Exorcist that he couldn't help it._

_After completing their mission, they headed back for the Ark's gate. There, Miranda proved once more that she really was a desperate cause. That just made Kanda more pissed off than he already was :_

_« Just shut up and write your code ! »_

_« Hey. » The moyashi. Kanda glared at him._

_« What do you want ? »_

_Then Link started babbling nonsense about childish behaviours, pope's dignity and whatnot. _

_« Shut up. » Kanda said coldly. _

_« Excuse me ? »_

_« I said, shut up. »_

_The Japanese Exorcist gave Allen a disdainful look as he spoke :_

_« I don't give a damn. »_

_He walked in the church where the gate was to be opened. Sure, he wanted to convince himself that he really didn't care about the moyashi's problems, that he'd let him on his own since the brat was so confident in his abilities to stop the Noah inside him._

_« … think I'm the one getting on his nerves, Miranda. » Allen's voice reached to Kanda._

'_No kidding, Moyashi. You sure can be perceptive sometimes. You're an annoyance. I hate you. I loathe you. I fucking don't give a damn shit about you !'_

« Yuu-chaaaan ! Hello, this is Lavi, calling Yuu-chan ! »

« Don't call me by my first name, stupid rabbit ! »

« But you seemed so absorbed in your thoughts. Were you thinking about the beansprout ? »

« Che. Let's go. »

« Fine, fine. » Lavi replied cheerfully.

Both Exorcists went out of the cafeteria, then Lavi said :

« I've gotta go help Panda at the library. I'll see you later then ! Oh, and don't make that face, I'm sure Allen will do fine ! »

And he ran off. Kanda spent the rest of the day training and meditating until late at night.

Around midnight, he got out of his room and went to the infirmary, wishing that nobody would be there, as usual. He opened the door without a sound and went in Allen's room. A small night-light was switched on and bathed the room in a dim light.

Kanda came closer to the bed, sitting on the edge and leaning over Allen, his hands on either side of the boy's face. A few strands of black hair brushed Allen's cheek. To Kanda, Allen's peaceful face was as beautiful as ever, purity and innocence reflecting all over it. Kanda's eyes were locked on Allen ; it was as if he was hypnotized by the sight. He leant closer, and felt Allen's breath coming from his slightly parted lips. It was so tempting, yet Kanda didn't dare coming closer. _I hate you. _He leant over a bit more. _I loathe you. _A little more. _Damn it. _He pressed his lips over Allen's soft ones in a kiss he had long been yearning for. _I love you._

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_Hmmmm... Nothing to say really, except a big thanks to you all reviewers.


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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**Chapter 8**

Kanda was sent on a mission again, with Lenalee. So both of them were sitting in a train somewhere in France, keeping silent. The Chinese girl didn't dare disturb Kanda who seemed to be deep in thought…

He shouldn't have done that. He should never have kissed Allen the previous night, because he realized that it wasn't the kiss he wanted. What he wanted was Allen to be fully awake and conscious, to kiss back or to punch him because Kanda had dared do it. Now the Japanese Exorcist was bitterly regretting it. His strict education was telling him that he had taken advantage of Allen, while his own heart only longed to feel those pure lips once more ; and this was torturing Kanda's mind to no end.

« Hmm, Kanda, we've arrived to the station. » Lenalee's voice interrupted his thoughts.

He quickly refocused on his mission for the time being as he got out the train. To Lenalee, his bad mood was no different from what it usually was, but she still felt that something else was wrong, though she kept quiet about it.

The mission went well. The Exorcists had managed to retrieve the Innocence without any problem.

« Kanda, there's still one hour left before our train departs. How about a walk in the town ? » Lenalee asked.

« Whatever. »

And so they strolled in the streets ; Lenalee seemed to be enjoying herself while Kanda couldn't care less. After a moment, the Chinese girl stopped before a church.

« Kanda, do you want to go in ? »

« What for ? »

« Well, I was thinking… I'd like to pray for Allen-kun. » She added softly.

« I don't believe in God. » Kanda immediately answered.

Lenalee looked at him, then smiled :

« It's fine then. Just wait for me there. »

Kanda followed her to the entrance of church, planning to wait for her there. However, as he took a look inside, he felt something that was inviting him in. It was a bothering feeling, which prompted him more than forcing him to go in.

« Che. » He had nothing else to do anyway. So he stepped in.

In front of him, at the end of the nave was standing an imposing altar and the back wall was sculpted with beautiful golden statues and columns. It wasn't the first time Kanda saw the inside of a church, but in this one, he was feeling a warm and inviting atmosphere surrounding him.

He followed the nave and stood in the transept crossing, watching the many statues of saints in front of him. The sculptures seemed to captivate him for an unknown reason. 'Che. What's wrong with me ? It's not like I believe in God, no matter what that old General could say about us being His apostles…'

_« Good morning, Yuu-kun. From today on, and until you become an Exorcist, I'll be your General. General Tiedoll. » said the old man with a bright smile._

_« It's Kanda ! » the young teen answered._

_« My, my. It looks like we have a bad-tempered one here. Tell me, do you know what Exorcists are ? »_

_Kanda thought for a few seconds then said :_

_« They are people who kill Akumas. »_

_« Well, they do kill Akumas, indeed. But what you need to know is that Exorcists are called the Apostles of God. Do you know why ? »_

_The boy shook his head._

_« It's because very few persons on this Earth actually have the abilities to fight Akumas. And those who can are given a unique weapon which is said to be a gift from God. It's your Innocence. You could say that compatible Innocence-users are born by the will of God, in order to fight the evil in this world. »_

_« I don't believe in God. »_

_« You don't ? »_

_The general simply chuckled._

_« The mere fact that you are here now proves that God still hasn't abandoned us. You're still young, Yuu-kun. Later, you'll realize later what it means to believe or not in God. »_

'Always saying that crap.' So, according to the old man, God had sent some chosen ones on Earth to protect it from evil ? Why did He not take care of getting rid of evil by Himself, then ? Actually, it was the first time the question crossed Kanda's mind. Before, he never bothered about theological issues ; his job was to destroy Akumas, that was all. He followed orders without any questions. As for why…

_The whole village was burning. Some huge flying monsters were destroying everything : houses, streets, people. In the midst of that carnage, a twelve-year-old boy was running desperately, trying to escape the slaughter. His whole family hadn't managed to escape with him, killed along with many other villagers. The boy didn't know where to run, but he ran. He had to flee that battlefield so anywhere else would do. However, a sudden blast hit him and sent him flying away in the middle of tall grass. The boy was seriously injured, bleeding everywhere and in no shape to escape anymore. He was suffocating in his own blood, unable to breathe normally._

_As he was about to give up and let himself die, a figure appeared in his blurry field of view. That figure spoke with a calm voice :_

_« Tell me young boy, what's your name ? »_

_« Y-Yuu Kanda… » he replied between two chokes._

_« So, Yuu Kanda, tell me something else. Do you want to live ? »_

_« …Y-Yes. » Kanda had no idea who that person was, and he didn't care at that moment. All he wanted was to live._

_« That's a good answer. »_

_The figure said no more, but Kanda felt that his wounds were progressively closing, that he didn't hurt anymore, and his vision was clearing again. Completely incredulous, he checked his body to see that there wasn't even a single scar left on his skin. Only… only some sort of weird black tattoo on his chest. He raised his head, and looked at the person standing in front of him who was smiling._

_« Feeling better ? »_

_« Yes, thank you but… »_

_« Oh no, don't thank me yet young boy. Now let me tell you. You wanted to live, so I granted you life. See that tattoo you have here ? It's a curse I've put on you. From now on, you'll train to become an Exorcist. You'll live, fight, struggle against death, but you'll live. Give me proof that I was right to keep you alive. This curse will heal your injuries, no matter how serious they are, but in exchange, it will consume part of your life. »_

_An hourglass with a beautiful lotus flower inside suddendly appeared in front of the person, who took it and handed it to Kanda._

_« From now on, your life is bound to this flower. See the petals ? As the curse consumes your life, the petals will fall, one by one. When all of them fall and the flower withers, you'll die. Tch, don't say anything and let me finish. Your only way to get rid of this curse is to keep on living, become a powerful Exorcist and exterminate all evil on this world, then go find me. Look for me, and when you find me, at that moment I shall remove the curse from you. I'll give you a sign when it is time for you to look for me. Now go, and join the Black Order. They'll make an Exorcist out of you. »_

_At the second that person was done speaking, everything went black around Kanda as he lost consciousness. Next time he awoke, he was lying in a bed, and standing next to him was an unknown person who was wearing a pair of glasses._

_« Who are you ? Where am I ? »_

_« Hello there. My name is Komui Li. You are within the Black Order grounds. »_

And that was why Kanda had to keep fighting. And that was also why he didn't give a damn about God or anything, he just wanted to fight then go find that person to remove his curse.

But right now, there was someone else in his life. Now he wanted to believe that a miracle could occur and that Allen would wake up and reveal the smile that cheered everyone up.

'But I don't believe in miracles.' Kanda turned round and started to head for the exit of the church. 'Allen will manage alone.' His steps slowed down. 'The moyashi is strong enough for that.' He was about to go out, when he stopped on the spot. He turned round and faced the huge sculpted monument at the end of the nave. He wasn't going to ask God anything, he couldn't, since he didn't believe in Him. But just in case… just in case God would exist… Kanda closed his eyes.

'To all the saints here, and to God… save him.'

Kanda got out of the church. Lenalee was waiting for him outside, a smile on her face.

« Come on, we're going to miss the train. » she said.

As soon as they stepped in the Headquarters, both Exorcists knew that there was something going on. The place was agitated, and the first thought that went to Kanda's mind was 'Allen'. As Lenalee and him were still standing in the hall, Reever appeared and, as he saw them, called them in an excited tone :

« Kanda ! Lenalee ! Hurry up ! The doctors said Allen's woken up ! »

Kanda remained motionless for a second, then rushed to Allen's room.

Finally, after three months of waiting.

'Thank you God.'

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As you may have guessed, the next chapter will be the last one... See you there then. Don't hesitate to give your opinion on this chapter, I felt like there was something missing in it, but dunno what -_-.


	10. Chapter 9

Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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**Chapter 9**

'_The doctors said Allen's woken up !'_ Those were the only words that echoed in Kanda's head as he rushed to the infirmary. He barely took notice of Lenalee who was following him behind, and almost ran into every person on his way.

'Moyashi, you've fucking woken up. I'm gonna kick your ass for making me wait so long.'

But then, as he was running, another thought came to him : would the moyashi remember what Kanda had told him on that snowy day ? And if he did, how would he react now that he was conscious ? That started to bother Kanda, but he quickly got rid of the thought. The main thing now was to check on whether Allen was fine or not.

As expected, there was a dozen of persons inside and in front of Allen's room, and Kanda could hear the annoyed head nurse telling the people there to shut up and stop disturbing the poor boy. Then…

« It's ok Head nurse, I'm fine, really ! »

That unmistakable cheerful voice, that reassuring tone… Oh how long did Kanda wait to be able to hear it again, how many days and nights did he spend fearing that the voice he loved so much would never speak again… And now…

« Heeey, Yuu-chan ! Lenalee ! You've come back from your mission already ? Look who we've got here, look ! » Lavi called as he saw them at the doorframe. He was pointing at Allen who was sitting in his bed, his usual smile on his face.

Kanda looked at the silver-haired boy. Their eyes met for a fraction of a second. Kanda couldn't think of any coherent thought, nor could he find something to say ; Allen was there, fully awoken, talking happily with Komui, Reever, Miranda, Lavi and the people around him, yet Kanda couldn't bring himself to move from the doorframe where he was standing. Something was paralyzing him, though he didn't know what, or maybe he did ; maybe he secretly dreaded Allen's reaction towards him.

« Hi, Kanda. » Allen said, still smiling.

That was all. Nothing more. A mere greeting and a simple smile as he would have done with any other person.

« What are you standing here for, Yuu-chan ? Just come in ! » Lavi said.

« Che. »

Kanda didn't even bother to answer Allen, and left immediately. He could hear Lavi and Lenalee's surprised voices as he left, but he didn't care. Part of him was furious, because that wasn't what he'd expected. But what had he expected, actually ? Even he couldn't give a proper answer to the question. Maybe he had expected that Allen would have been a little more enthousiastic when seeing Kanda ? 'Yeah right. And since when would he show enthousiasm when he sees me ?'. The other part of him was telling him that Allen's reaction was absolutely normal given the stormy interactions they had before. Still, Kanda's stubborn part kept thinking that he deserved better treatment from Allen after having worried him so much. 'Or maybe he's simply forgotten that I confessed to him.' That idiot moyashi was certainly capable of that. In any case, it didn't help Kanda decide on what to do from then on.

He needed time to cool off and think properly. Thus, he went to his room and lay on the bed to try and find some rest after his mission. Later, maybe, he'd go talk to Allen.

Meanwhile at the infirmary, the atmosphere was almost party-like as Lavi had brought back drinks and other stuff from the kitchen. Even the head nurse couldn't help but take part to the festivities since everybody there was having fun.

« A pity Yuu didn't stay here with us, right ? I wonder what's gotten into him. » Lavi said, concerned.

« Well I suppose he must have gone to rest a bit. You told me that he and Lenalee just came back from a mission, didn't you ? » Allen answered.

« He still could have made an effort ! I mean, after all the time he spent here visiting you… »

« Haha, like he, of all people, would go and visit someone. »

« No kidding, Allen. He actually did happen to come here. » Lavi said seriously.

Allen looked at the red-haired Bookman silently before going on :

« Well I should go and thank him later then. »

According to the head nurse, Allen was to stay at the infirmary for the following week so the doctors could keep an eye on his condition. His popularity was such that there were always people in his room at any time of the day, so Kanda couldn't find any time to talk to the boy, and it was pissing him off.

As he was walking in the corridor, Lavi caught up to him :

« Hey Yuu-chan, what's up ? »

« What do you want ? »

« Man, always in a grumpy mood ! And to think that your dear beansprout has finally woken up… really, why didn't you stay with us the other day ? »

« Che. You should know better than anyone that I hate those kind of festivities. »

« Still, it was for Allen. »

« Like I cared. »

« Sure you do. The fact you didn't kill me for saying he's your dear beansprout is evidence of it. So why ? »

« None of your concern. Now get lost unless you really don't value your life. » Kanda replied sharply.

Lavi sighed deeply.

« Fine, fine. Anyway, I'm just telling you that you guys are totally hopeless. » Then he left.

Kanda stood in the middle of the corridor a few minutes, before deciding to head for Allen's room. Surprisingly enough, there wasn't anyone but a nurse and the young Exorcist.

As he heard Kanda, Allen raised his head and gave him his usual smile :

« Hi, Kanda. It's rare to see you here. »

« Che. »

There was something wrong in Allen's tone, something that didn't sound like the real Allen. The Japanese man didn't know what to say, or even why he'd come in the first place. Fortunately, Allen didn't seem to notice his lack of eloquence as he went on casually :

« Say, Kanda, while you're here, mind helping me walk to my room ? I'd like to change into normal clothes. I'm kind of fed up with wearing these hospital clothes. I suppose the Head nurse won't say anything about it. And anyway, she told me to have a walk everyday to get my body used to it again. Four months stuck in bed didn't do me any good. »

At first, Kanda was a bit surprised by Allen's request, but accepted it anyway :

« Fine. »

« Thank you, Kanda. » Allen said formally, which made the older Exorcist raise an eyebrow. There was definitely something strange.

As Allen got out of the bed, he took support on Kanda's arm. He certainly needed to practise walking again, for he was carefully leaning on Kanda so as not to lose his balance. Allen's simple contact with Kanda made the latter shudder a bit, though the boy didn't seem to notice.

They got out of the infirmary and silently headed for Allen's room, though slowly because the boy couldn't walk very quickly, hung at Kanda's arm. The Japanese Exorcist was feeling awkward with Allen physically so close to him, yet so distant ; and that was only raising more questions in his head : what was the meaning of this behaviour ? Allen was certainly not cold towards him, but not as natural as he used to be. Did that mean he actually remembered Kanda's words to him ? And was it his way to show him that the feelings were not mutual ? Still, it felt like Allen didn't mind Kanda's company, or he wouldn't have asked him to help him walk.

All those thoughts were requiring too much effort from Kanda, as he never had been used to such considerations, so he decided to let things be as he usually did. Damn, the sole idea of turning into a lovesick girl was enough to convince him he'd better stop the hassle.

« Sorry for taking on your time, Kanda. I suppose you planned it to be a quick visit, right ? »

« Idiot Moyashi. I'd have refused to accompany you if I was in a hurry. »

« It's Allen, Bakanda ! Ah, here's my room. Do you mind waiting for me to get dressed then bring me to the library ? I'd like to see Lavi a bit too. »

« Che. Do I really have the choice ? »

« I guess not. Thanks, I'll be quick. »

Kanda waited outside the room. The moyashi was pretending nothing happened ? Fine. In any case, if Allen hadn't been deadly wounded, Kanda would never have told him about his feelings, so that settled it.

Allen soon got out his room, fully dressed, then both of them went to the library. If some people on their way found it surprising that Kanda was actually helping someone, they didn't show it. At the library, Lavi wasn't too difficult to find since he was the noisiest of all the people. He greeted them as soon as he saw them :

« Allen ! Yuu-chan ! What's up ? Oh, wow ! Yuu is helping you walk ? Now I can die in peace, for I have seen a miracle. » he said ceremoniously.

« Shut up, you stupid rabbit. I'm leaving anyway. » Kanda replied coldly.

« No waaaay ! Not already ! Stay with us a while, it's been sooo long since the last time we've been able to chat together ! » Now Lavi was clinging to Kanda's coat with an exaggerate puppy-eyed look. It didn't prevent the Japanese Exorcist from death-glaring at him, which made Lavi release his grip immediately.

« Well, whatever. Allen and I can perfectly have fun without you. » he added, pretending to sulk.

« Che. »

Kanda left the library without adding another word. Allen hadn't reacted at all.

The following weeks passed with no particular incidents. Kanda was acting as he normally did, meaning that he either ignored Allen or pested him. In return, the younger Exorcist kept finding any means to annoy him. At the cafeteria, for example, Allen would sit next to Kanda and make as much noise as possible, and since he usually was with Lavi, it wasn't very difficult. Or he would go spare with the Japanese Exorcist and try to piss him off to no end. Still, there was always a weird tension between them, as it seemed to Kanda that Allen was sometimes trying to get closer to him, and some other times, he simply kept some distance from him.

Kanda wanted to believe that everything had returned to normal, but deep inside him, he knew that there was something missing somewhere, and he was certainly smart enough to know what it was. He wanted to feel that silver hair through his fingers again, to delicately touch that innocent and warm face and to press his lips to those pure soft ones.

But he had decided to put all these thoughts away from his mind, and to behave like his usual proud self. After all, that was how he was educated, and he fully intended to honor his education.

There was only a small miscalculation in all of that : a certain Bookman Jr. Three weeks after Allen had woken up, Lavi came to find Kanda who was sitting cross-legged and with his eyes closed in his meditation room. The red-haired Exorcist stood at the doorframe :

« Yuu, can I have a word with you ? » he asked in the most serious tone in the world.

« It's Kanda, unless you want your throat sliced. »

« Fine. Kanda then, can I have a word with you ? »

Now the said Kanda was particularly intrigued. He'd never seen Lavi so serious, and above all, agreeing not to call him by his first name.

« Che. What do you need ? »

« To talk about Allen. »

« Why the fuck would you want to talk about the moyashi ? » Kanda asked, a bit irritated.

« You like him a lot, right ? »

« I remember having already answered to that question some time ago. »

« So why don't you do anything, for heaven's sake ? Do you plan to just let it go like that ? » Lavi slightly raised his voice.

« What I do is none of your concern. »

« It does when it affects one of my friends. »

« Who told you that I'm affected ? »

« I wasn't talking about you, but about Allen. »

Kanda opened his eyes and looked at Lavi :

« What do mean ? » he coldly asked.

« Exactly what I said. He's affected by your behaviour towards him, and I know you are too. Gosh, you two really make me desperate. » Lavi sighed, then went on :

« He likes you, Yuu. A lot. »

That last sentence made Kanda freeze for a second but he quickly regained his composure :

« Stop babbling nonsense. It's obvious he doesn't. He's simply nice because its his nature to be nice with everyone. »

« Listen, how about you go talk to him and find out yourself about what he thinks of you ? »

« Che, why doesn't he come to me by himself ? »

Lavi was starting to get impatient :

« Damn it, Yuu ! Are you an adult or just a stubborn kid ? 'Cause you are acting exactly like one ! I've already talked to Allen, and he sure is as much a pain in the neck as you are ! Now the rest is up to both of you. If you think the situation between you can remain like that, then fine, do as you wish. But then don't regret it later. This time, Allen was lucky enough to stay alive but you don't know what could happen to him on the next mission ! »

The red-haired Exorcist calmed down a bit :

« Anyway, just to tell you that I'm sick of seeing both of you like this. Don't think that I didn't notice how you two change your behaviours as soon as you see each other. It might not be obvious to everyone, but I'm not a Bookman for nothing. This said, I wish you a good day. »

And he left without waiting for any reply from Kanda. The latter simply remained stunned for a whole minute. Then he took a deep breath, and a resolution came to him : he'd go talk to Allen.

It was 8 a.m. on that day, and Kanda thought that Allen would still be in his room since he wasn't really an early riser. So he knocked at the door, and a few seconds later, it opened to reveal a slightly surprised Allen :

« Kanda ? Is something the matter ? »

« We need to talk. Can I come in ? » he asked bluntly.

Now Allen certainly was caught off guard by Kanda's request.

« Hum, sure… Well, come in. » Allen replied.

The younger Exorcist let Kanda in then closed the door. Both of them stood in the middle of the room, Allen waiting for Kanda to say something, but nothing came out of the older one's mouth.

« Hum, Kanda, what it is you'd like to talk about ? » Allen asked, unsure of what to do.

« Moyashi… »

« The name's Allen, you retard. »

« Just shut it. It's difficult enough for me so don't add more problems. »

« What is ? My name ? Well, I certainly did know that you're pretty stupid and such, but I've never imagined that you couldn't even pronounce two syllabes. Yet, it's easy, here, repeat after me : Al-len. » the boy said sarcastically.

That, as planned, irritated Kanda a lot.

« Damn it, Moyashi ! Can't you stop acting like a kid for five fucking minutes ? I've already gone through the trouble of coming here, you could be grateful ! »

« Grateful about what ? I don't even know what you came here for at first ! » Allen replied, pissed off.

Kanda wanted to snap back, but decided it wasn't really a good time to, so he forced himself to calm down then went on :

« Do you remember what I told you before you fell unconscious on our last mission ? »

There. He had managed to ask the question. Now the answer was still to come.

« What you told me… How could I remember ? You must have said something about bringing me back and 'hang on' or something like that. Why ? »

Kanda let out a small sigh. So he really didn't have any memories of his last words.

« Is that really all you can remember ? » he asked softly. Too softly actually, and that make Allen think back for a moment. He eventually said with an uncertain voice :

« Well, I… I think I do remember something else, but I must not have heard well at that moment… »

« What is it ? »

« Ah, well I really don't think it's worth mentioning. I thought that you had said some kind of joke, and it made me laugh. But surely, since it's utterly impossible for you to joke, I must have misunderstood. »

« I'm asking you what exactly did you hear ? Is that so hard to get ? » Kanda asked impatiently.

Now Allen was actually blushing as he looked away :

« I-I thought you had told me that you… you loved me. » The final words were almost inaudible. « But-but I know it can't be that, don't worry ! It's just… »

« And why couldn't it be ? » Kanda cut him.

« Well, obviously because… wait, what do you mean ? »

« What if you heard well ? »

Allen was shut silent. He didn't dare look at Kanda whose eyes were locked on the boy, nor could he suppress the mad blush on his cheeks. He had absolutely no idea on what to say at the moment and was thinking furiously. He was brought back to reality when Kanda moved to the door saying :

« Che. Never mind that. I should never have listened to that rabbit. »

He was about to open the door when Allen caught his wrist :

« Wait. Kanda, please wait. »

The Japanese man turned back and looked at Allen who gazed back :

« When you told me that back then, I really thought I'd heard wrong, because I always thought that you hate me, seeing how we always argue with each other and how we always fight… I-I thought my injuries made me imagine things, but I didn't care ! Because… I really believed that I was going to die there, so hearing you say you loved me was everything I could have… »

He paused a second, biting his lip and looking away, then :

« … That was everything I could have wished for before dying. Those were the words I never had hoped to hear from you. Then, when I woke up, you were so cold to me that I didn't know what to think anymore. At first, I tried to find out whether you'd really pronounced those words but every time I approached you, I couldn't see any positive sign that you… »

Allen paused once more, letting out a small sigh, then looked at Kanda again.

Hope, expectation, and a glimpse of uncertainty. Kanda could read all those in the younger Exorcist's beautiful eyes.

« Kanda, I… »

« It's enough. Say no more. » Kanda said, putting a finger on Allen's lips.

He cupped his cheek as the boy closed his eyes, bringing his hand up to hold Kanda's one. The Japanese man leaned forward, and for the second time, pressed his lips against Allen's warm ones, experiencing again his sweet taste. This time, it really was what Kanda had been craving for so long : Allen wrapped his arms around the older Exorcist's neck and was now kissing back eagerly, pressing his body against Kanda who leant on the door, both his arms around Allen's waist. The kiss lasted forever, as each was taking his time to discover the other through touches, caresses and their sealed lips.

They finally parted, though their lips were still very close, panting heavily. Kanda softly whispered Allen's name as the silver-haired boy looked at him and gave him the brightest and most genuine smile ; and at that moment, it seemed to Kanda that a four-month wait was very insignificant to be able to see that smile.

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There you are, it's done ! Thanks to all of you who stuck with this story until the end, since that was my first one. I hope the last chapter was up to your expectations !


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